1 00:00:01,001 --> 00:00:01,735 ♪ All right! 2 00:00:01,835 --> 00:00:02,769 ♪ Hey! 3 00:00:02,869 --> 00:00:05,238 ♪ Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh! ♪ 4 00:00:08,041 --> 00:00:10,076 EDDIE: I love faculty pasta night. 5 00:00:10,643 --> 00:00:12,278 I'm going back in. 6 00:00:12,379 --> 00:00:15,515 {\an8}Are you kidding? You've had nine plates of spaghetti. 7 00:00:15,615 --> 00:00:16,816 How can you not be full? 8 00:00:16,916 --> 00:00:19,319 Oh, I emptied her out 20 minutes ago. 9 00:00:25,058 --> 00:00:26,593 {\an8}Hello there. 10 00:00:26,693 --> 00:00:28,628 {\an8}Oh, hello, Father Woodcock. 11 00:00:28,728 --> 00:00:31,398 {\an8}Are you here to bless the buffet? 12 00:00:31,498 --> 00:00:33,767 {\an8}It's called a mock turtleneck, Eddie, 13 00:00:33,867 --> 00:00:35,735 {\an8}and they happen to be making a comeback. 14 00:00:35,835 --> 00:00:39,372 Yeah? Maybe you should wait until they're all the way back? 15 00:00:42,142 --> 00:00:45,545 {\an8}Hey, hey. Have you met Lucy, the new history teacher? 16 00:00:45,645 --> 00:00:47,847 {\an8}You know, I heard she was on the squash team at Penn. 17 00:00:47,947 --> 00:00:49,516 {\an8}I think I might try to get a game with her. 18 00:00:49,616 --> 00:00:51,951 {\an8}Right. Well, you know what? You're not gonna want to do that. 19 00:00:52,052 --> 00:00:54,354 {\an8}Why not? Because you're married now, Opie. 20 00:00:54,454 --> 00:00:57,057 {\an8}And once you're married, the only female friends you can have 21 00:00:57,157 --> 00:00:59,025 {\an8}are the ones that are grandfathered in, 22 00:00:59,125 --> 00:01:01,161 {\an8}and even they better be really, really ugly. 23 00:01:01,261 --> 00:01:05,098 {\an8}Eddie, Steph and I happen to trust each other. 24 00:01:05,198 --> 00:01:07,333 {\an8}The last thing that would threaten either one of us... 25 00:01:07,434 --> 00:01:09,869 {\an8}Is Steph talking to the quarterback? 26 00:01:11,137 --> 00:01:13,173 {\an8}Will you hold my plate? 27 00:01:14,474 --> 00:01:16,309 Salad. 28 00:01:16,409 --> 00:01:19,012 That's not gonna silence the rumors. 29 00:01:21,448 --> 00:01:22,415 Hi, sweetie. 30 00:01:22,515 --> 00:01:24,084 Hey, Mr. Woodcock. 31 00:01:26,886 --> 00:01:28,388 {\an8}Oh, is Steph your wife? 32 00:01:28,488 --> 00:01:31,858 {\an8}Yes, Brian. Mrs. Woodcock is my wife. 33 00:01:33,159 --> 00:01:35,195 {\an8}So step off, hotshot. 34 00:01:37,864 --> 00:01:38,998 {\an8}What was that about? 35 00:01:39,099 --> 00:01:40,467 {\an8}That kid is a nightmare, Steph. 36 00:01:40,567 --> 00:01:43,103 {\an8}The other day, I told him he couldn't wear sunglasses in class. 37 00:01:43,203 --> 00:01:46,172 {\an8}He cut my phone line off and glued my office door shut. 38 00:01:46,272 --> 00:01:48,975 {\an8}I was trapped in there for five periods. 39 00:01:49,075 --> 00:01:53,079 Again, I'm sorry I thought all your frantic e-mails were a gag. 40 00:01:54,614 --> 00:01:56,483 Excuse me. You're Eddie, right? 41 00:01:56,583 --> 00:01:58,651 I'm Lucy. I just joined your department. 42 00:01:58,751 --> 00:02:02,055 Oh. Hi. Welcome. Great. See you in the hallway. 43 00:02:02,155 --> 00:02:03,857 {\an8}I have heard so much about you. 44 00:02:03,957 --> 00:02:06,092 {\an8}Everybody loves your class. 45 00:02:06,192 --> 00:02:08,962 {\an8}Oh, and here's my wife right now. 46 00:02:09,062 --> 00:02:10,497 {\an8}Hi. Speak of the devil. 47 00:02:10,597 --> 00:02:12,031 {\an8}I'm Joy. Lucy. 48 00:02:12,132 --> 00:02:13,800 Nice to meet you. Nice to meet you. 49 00:02:13,900 --> 00:02:16,269 Anyway, I'm so new to all this. 50 00:02:16,369 --> 00:02:20,039 I'd love to get together and just pick your brain about my syllabus. 51 00:02:20,140 --> 00:02:22,675 Would it be okay if I gave you my number? 52 00:02:22,775 --> 00:02:24,978 Did you hear about my wife? 53 00:02:25,078 --> 00:02:26,012 Yes. 54 00:02:26,112 --> 00:02:27,480 Hi. Hi again. 55 00:02:27,580 --> 00:02:28,982 Hi. 56 00:02:29,082 --> 00:02:30,016 You know, I don't have a pen. 57 00:02:30,116 --> 00:02:32,252 Me, neither. I have one. 58 00:02:42,328 --> 00:02:44,397 I can't believe you brought that spaghetti home. 59 00:02:44,497 --> 00:02:47,667 Oh, come on. There was plenty leftover for the shelter. 60 00:02:49,602 --> 00:02:51,371 All right, we gotta make some room in here. 61 00:02:51,471 --> 00:02:54,674 Are you still keeping this low-fat yogurt dream alive? 62 00:02:54,774 --> 00:02:55,975 Yes, Eddie, I am. 63 00:02:56,075 --> 00:02:57,577 Okay, well, something's gotta go. 64 00:02:57,677 --> 00:03:00,613 I'm looking at 20 pictures of Paul Newman here. 65 00:03:05,218 --> 00:03:08,188 Why are you and I both so afraid to finish jelly? 66 00:03:11,157 --> 00:03:12,559 What are you doing? 67 00:03:12,659 --> 00:03:14,394 {\an5}I'm throwing away Lucy's number. Why? 68 00:03:14,494 --> 00:03:16,462 Because I've been in this marriage long enough to know 69 00:03:16,563 --> 00:03:21,100 that me dating another woman while I'm still married to you is probably a bad idea. 70 00:03:22,068 --> 00:03:23,703 She is your colleague. 71 00:03:23,803 --> 00:03:27,040 Yeah, a colleague with lady parts. 72 00:03:27,140 --> 00:03:29,209 You think she's trying to date you? 73 00:03:29,309 --> 00:03:31,277 Get over yourself. She doesn't want you. 74 00:03:31,377 --> 00:03:33,346 And even if she did, you wouldn't do anything. 75 00:03:33,446 --> 00:03:34,881 And even if you wanted to do something, 76 00:03:34,981 --> 00:03:37,050 you wouldn't know what to do. 77 00:03:38,885 --> 00:03:42,288 Trust me, I'd know what to do. 78 00:03:42,388 --> 00:03:45,358 Do you even know what's involved in having an affair? 79 00:03:45,458 --> 00:03:47,193 Everything that you're against. 80 00:03:47,293 --> 00:03:49,963 Floral delivery, candlelit restaurants, 81 00:03:50,063 --> 00:03:51,764 rendezvous in seedy motels. 82 00:03:51,864 --> 00:03:53,066 What are you gonna do, germ guy, 83 00:03:53,166 --> 00:03:55,134 bring your own bedspread? 84 00:03:55,235 --> 00:03:58,538 Okay, so what are you saying, it's okay to hang out with another woman? 85 00:03:58,638 --> 00:03:59,672 Yes. 86 00:03:59,772 --> 00:04:01,307 Oh, come on. Are you kidding? 87 00:04:01,407 --> 00:04:03,176 You would be so jealous. 88 00:04:03,276 --> 00:04:05,111 Maybe you haven't noticed, but we... 89 00:04:05,211 --> 00:04:07,513 We don't feel jealousy anymore. 90 00:04:08,214 --> 00:04:10,049 We're dead inside. 91 00:04:10,750 --> 00:04:11,918 What? Relax. 92 00:04:12,018 --> 00:04:13,152 In a good way. 93 00:04:13,253 --> 00:04:15,021 We're finally in a place in our relationship 94 00:04:15,121 --> 00:04:17,156 where we're totally secure because we both understand 95 00:04:17,257 --> 00:04:19,325 the other one has no other options. 96 00:04:20,727 --> 00:04:23,463 No, no, no, I think we still get jealous. 97 00:04:23,563 --> 00:04:25,865 Oh, come on. I am the one who suggests we go to Hooters 98 00:04:25,965 --> 00:04:27,200 'cause I like the buffalo wings. 99 00:04:27,300 --> 00:04:29,936 And I don't get mad when you tip 40%. 100 00:04:32,138 --> 00:04:33,606 Well, I still get jealous. 101 00:04:33,706 --> 00:04:35,575 Really? What did you say to our gardener 102 00:04:35,675 --> 00:04:38,478 when you caught him peeking in the window at me in the shower? 103 00:04:38,578 --> 00:04:42,882 I said, "While you're there, you might want to prune the rhododendrons." 104 00:04:45,084 --> 00:04:47,287 Oh, my God, we are dead inside. 105 00:04:48,187 --> 00:04:49,589 Give the lady a call. 106 00:04:49,689 --> 00:04:50,590 You want me to call her? 107 00:04:50,690 --> 00:04:52,392 I do. 108 00:04:52,492 --> 00:04:56,195 And this isn't gonna come back and bite me in the ass? 109 00:04:56,296 --> 00:04:59,232 No, that part of our relationship is dead also. 110 00:05:03,269 --> 00:05:03,303 {\an8}GL 111 00:05:03,303 --> 00:05:03,336 {\an8}GLE 112 00:05:03,336 --> 00:05:03,369 {\an8}GLE PL 113 00:05:03,369 --> 00:05:03,403 {\an8}GLE PLAY 114 00:05:03,403 --> 00:05:03,436 {\an8}GLE PLAYIN 115 00:05:03,436 --> 00:05:03,469 {\an8}GLE PLAYING) 116 00:05:13,012 --> 00:05:15,682 Hey. Wayne, Brian, Sebastian. 117 00:05:15,782 --> 00:05:18,351 Uh, hey, guys, you know, 118 00:05:18,451 --> 00:05:21,254 I love the smell of sweet cherry hickory as much as the next guy, 119 00:05:21,354 --> 00:05:24,924 but you cannot smoke a pipe in high school. 120 00:05:25,024 --> 00:05:28,161 The thing is, my grandfather was an Indian chief. 121 00:05:28,261 --> 00:05:29,929 My people have lost everything. 122 00:05:30,029 --> 00:05:33,333 You want to take this away from me, too? 123 00:05:33,433 --> 00:05:35,401 Look, guys, I'm just trying to do my job here. 124 00:05:35,501 --> 00:05:36,536 {\an5}Please, can you give me a break? Hey. 125 00:05:36,636 --> 00:05:38,905 Put the pipe out. All right. 126 00:05:39,005 --> 00:05:40,707 Sorry, Mr. Woodcock. 127 00:05:40,807 --> 00:05:43,476 Really? Well, thanks, guys. 128 00:05:43,576 --> 00:05:44,610 Yeah, no problem. 129 00:05:44,711 --> 00:05:47,613 Hey, and by the way, how's Mrs. Woodcock? 130 00:05:48,748 --> 00:05:50,316 She's... 131 00:05:50,416 --> 00:05:51,417 She's good. Oh, no. 132 00:05:51,517 --> 00:05:54,253 She's better than good. She's a hottie. 133 00:05:54,354 --> 00:05:56,155 Nice job with that. 134 00:06:01,728 --> 00:06:02,862 Yeah. 135 00:06:07,467 --> 00:06:08,534 (DOORBELL RINGS) 136 00:06:08,634 --> 00:06:10,770 Eddie, your date's here! 137 00:06:13,906 --> 00:06:16,275 Oh, look, you tucked in for her! 138 00:06:21,814 --> 00:06:23,082 Hi, Lucy. Hi. 139 00:06:23,182 --> 00:06:24,183 Hi. How are you? 140 00:06:24,283 --> 00:06:25,685 Hello. Welcome. Come on in. 141 00:06:25,785 --> 00:06:27,587 Thank you so much for having me over. 142 00:06:27,687 --> 00:06:30,556 Why don't you two go in there and start your learning thing 143 00:06:30,656 --> 00:06:32,258 and maybe I'll fix you a snack. 144 00:06:32,358 --> 00:06:34,460 (LAUGHS) Fantastic. 145 00:06:37,263 --> 00:06:38,965 Please, sit down. Thank you. 146 00:06:39,065 --> 00:06:43,002 Now, for American history, I made a copy of my syllabus. 147 00:06:44,704 --> 00:06:47,974 Wow. So all of January is musket month? 148 00:06:48,941 --> 00:06:50,476 That's correct. 149 00:06:52,445 --> 00:06:53,813 I know I spent a lot of time on warfare, 150 00:06:53,913 --> 00:06:57,784 but peace is kind of boring, don't you think? 151 00:06:57,884 --> 00:06:59,485 (STAMMERING) No. It's good. 152 00:06:59,585 --> 00:07:01,120 I mean, "The lessons of history are written 153 00:07:01,220 --> 00:07:03,790 "by the wounded, not the dead," right? 154 00:07:03,890 --> 00:07:05,558 Oh, my God, that's from Marshall Duffy's book, 155 00:07:05,658 --> 00:07:07,460 A Historical Take on History. 156 00:07:07,560 --> 00:07:09,262 You know that book? 157 00:07:09,362 --> 00:07:12,698 What, are you kidding? He is my favorite author. I love him. 158 00:07:12,799 --> 00:07:16,335 Me, too. You know, so many people think his book is boring. 159 00:07:16,436 --> 00:07:17,870 I think his writing is phenomenal. 160 00:07:17,970 --> 00:07:20,039 Well, if you like his writing, 161 00:07:20,139 --> 00:07:22,842 tell me what you think of his handwriting 162 00:07:22,942 --> 00:07:25,945 in this personal inscription made out to me! 163 00:07:26,045 --> 00:07:27,380 No way! 164 00:07:28,114 --> 00:07:29,749 "Keep making history." 165 00:07:29,849 --> 00:07:32,018 Eddie, this is awesome. 166 00:07:32,118 --> 00:07:36,189 Yeah. I kept the pen. It's a Bic. 167 00:07:36,289 --> 00:07:38,291 All right. You know, he's speaking at that bookstore 168 00:07:38,391 --> 00:07:40,193 by school on Saturday. Are you going? 169 00:07:40,293 --> 00:07:42,862 Well, I better be. I'm moderating the QandA. 170 00:07:42,962 --> 00:07:44,697 (EXCLAIMS) 171 00:07:44,797 --> 00:07:47,433 Oh, my God, you're my hero. 172 00:07:47,533 --> 00:07:49,268 No, no, no. Duffy's the hero. 173 00:07:49,368 --> 00:07:51,804 How about that chapter he wrote on the Teapot Dome scandal? 174 00:07:51,904 --> 00:07:54,574 I know. He totally turns it on its head. 175 00:07:54,674 --> 00:07:58,411 Yeah, finally somebody has Warren G. Harding's back, right? 176 00:07:58,511 --> 00:08:02,381 We were out of cookies, so I defrosted some guacamole. 177 00:08:02,482 --> 00:08:05,451 You know, I'm just really glad that someone is finally reminding us 178 00:08:05,551 --> 00:08:07,353 that it's Albert Fall who took that bribe. 179 00:08:07,453 --> 00:08:10,523 Thank you. And that son of a bitch Harry Sinclair 180 00:08:10,623 --> 00:08:12,625 and how he tampered with that jury. 181 00:08:12,725 --> 00:08:14,393 I stuck my tongue in it. I hope that's okay. 182 00:08:14,494 --> 00:08:16,462 Oh, yeah... 183 00:08:16,562 --> 00:08:19,065 That's sweet, honey. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. 184 00:08:19,165 --> 00:08:20,199 This chapter on the... 185 00:08:20,299 --> 00:08:21,434 Oh, don't tell me. Don't tell me. 186 00:08:21,534 --> 00:08:22,702 The Tennessee Valley Authority. 187 00:08:22,802 --> 00:08:24,136 Oh, he nailed that. 188 00:08:24,237 --> 00:08:25,638 Yes! Yes! 189 00:08:31,143 --> 00:08:33,112 Anybody need a cigarette? 190 00:08:36,382 --> 00:08:36,415 {\an8}GL 191 00:08:36,415 --> 00:08:36,449 {\an8}GLE 192 00:08:36,449 --> 00:08:36,482 {\an8}GLE PL 193 00:08:36,482 --> 00:08:36,516 {\an8}GLE PLAY 194 00:08:36,516 --> 00:08:36,549 {\an8}GLE PLAYIN 195 00:08:36,549 --> 00:08:36,582 {\an8}GLE PLAYING) 196 00:08:40,319 --> 00:08:41,954 Honey, when you asked me out for lunch, 197 00:08:42,054 --> 00:08:44,790 I kind of thought we were going someplace nice. 198 00:08:44,891 --> 00:08:46,626 The cafeteria's not nice? 199 00:08:46,726 --> 00:08:50,129 Excuse me, we just recarpeted this pole. 200 00:08:50,229 --> 00:08:51,430 Besides, you know, you get a chance 201 00:08:51,531 --> 00:08:53,766 to see me do my thing, meet some people. 202 00:08:53,866 --> 00:08:55,201 Huh? 203 00:08:55,301 --> 00:08:57,003 Hey! Scott! 204 00:08:57,103 --> 00:08:59,472 Rahim, it's the wifeski. 205 00:09:01,507 --> 00:09:03,342 Not too shabby, huh? 206 00:09:04,744 --> 00:09:06,913 Hey. You want to go sit by the window? 207 00:09:07,013 --> 00:09:08,214 Hey, Mr. Woodcock. 208 00:09:08,314 --> 00:09:11,150 Hey, let's sit next to Brian. 209 00:09:11,250 --> 00:09:13,486 Wait. Isn't he the guy who glued you into your office? 210 00:09:13,586 --> 00:09:15,788 Yeah. Yeah. He's crazy. 211 00:09:15,888 --> 00:09:17,423 He's awesome. 212 00:09:20,493 --> 00:09:21,527 (JINGLE PLAYING) 213 00:09:24,997 --> 00:09:26,132 What you watching? 214 00:09:26,232 --> 00:09:28,301 Dog show. The terriers are up. 215 00:09:28,401 --> 00:09:30,369 Little legs, big hearts. 216 00:09:35,074 --> 00:09:36,309 You know, our couch is an L. 217 00:09:36,409 --> 00:09:39,145 You have a whole other wing over there. 218 00:09:39,245 --> 00:09:40,613 I want to be close to you. 219 00:09:40,713 --> 00:09:43,482 Okay. I believe I have a pit open. 220 00:09:46,719 --> 00:09:48,321 (CHUCKLES) 221 00:09:48,421 --> 00:09:50,389 Wow. If she's going to be running with that dog, 222 00:09:50,489 --> 00:09:51,724 she might want to get a better bra. 223 00:09:51,824 --> 00:09:54,493 Yeah. I bet those things weigh more than her beagle. 224 00:09:54,594 --> 00:09:55,561 (LAUGHS) 225 00:09:55,661 --> 00:09:57,330 (TELEPHONE RINGING) 226 00:10:01,834 --> 00:10:03,769 Hello. 227 00:10:03,869 --> 00:10:05,972 Hi. Yeah, he's here. Hold on. 228 00:10:06,839 --> 00:10:07,873 Lucy. 229 00:10:07,974 --> 00:10:09,208 Oh, really? She probably wants to know 230 00:10:09,308 --> 00:10:10,977 when the book QandA starts tomorrow. 231 00:10:11,077 --> 00:10:12,378 Oh, she's going to that? 232 00:10:12,478 --> 00:10:15,381 Of course she is. It's her favorite book. 233 00:10:16,082 --> 00:10:17,550 Go for Eddie. 234 00:10:19,085 --> 00:10:20,686 Really? 235 00:10:20,786 --> 00:10:22,121 Right now? What right now? 236 00:10:22,221 --> 00:10:23,856 What channel? What is it? 237 00:10:23,956 --> 00:10:28,260 The History Channel is re-enacting the entire Iran-Contra scandal. 238 00:10:28,361 --> 00:10:31,564 But the doberman's about to mount the chihuahua. 239 00:10:31,664 --> 00:10:33,599 Remind you of anything? 240 00:10:34,333 --> 00:10:35,901 Okay. 241 00:10:36,002 --> 00:10:38,004 Oh, gosh, this is gonna be the 17 best hours 242 00:10:38,104 --> 00:10:39,372 of television ever. 243 00:10:39,472 --> 00:10:40,973 You don't mind, do you, honey? 244 00:10:41,073 --> 00:10:42,375 No, no, you 245 00:10:42,475 --> 00:10:43,509 enjoy. 246 00:10:45,111 --> 00:10:47,079 Oh, who's that playing Ronald Reagan? 247 00:10:47,179 --> 00:10:49,382 Oh, they got John Larroquette. 248 00:10:50,983 --> 00:10:51,951 (LAUGHING) 249 00:10:52,051 --> 00:10:53,986 (SNAPPING FINGERS) 250 00:10:54,086 --> 00:10:55,588 (INAUDIBLE) 251 00:10:57,456 --> 00:11:00,092 Ah, that looks just like the Oval Office. 252 00:11:00,192 --> 00:11:01,127 No, no, never been, but I've seen 253 00:11:01,227 --> 00:11:03,062 American President nine times. 254 00:11:04,463 --> 00:11:06,265 Oh, jellybeans on the desk. 255 00:11:06,365 --> 00:11:07,700 Nice touch. 256 00:11:08,934 --> 00:11:10,302 ♪ Oh! 257 00:11:10,403 --> 00:11:12,438 ♪ Oh, oh, baby ♪ 258 00:11:12,538 --> 00:11:14,974 Put down your  Cosmo and shave your legs. We're going out. 259 00:11:15,074 --> 00:11:16,375 Really? Where are we going? 260 00:11:16,475 --> 00:11:18,377 Parking lot behind the water tower. 261 00:11:19,712 --> 00:11:20,813 What? Yeah. 262 00:11:20,913 --> 00:11:22,715 I'm gonna need you to wear something special, too. 263 00:11:22,815 --> 00:11:24,083 (EXCLAIMS) 264 00:11:24,183 --> 00:11:25,951 This is nice. 265 00:11:26,052 --> 00:11:27,353 I'm not wearing a camisole. 266 00:11:27,453 --> 00:11:29,288 It's 10 degrees out. 267 00:11:29,388 --> 00:11:31,557 All right, uh... 268 00:11:31,657 --> 00:11:34,093 Oh, how about this nice warm sweater 269 00:11:34,193 --> 00:11:35,961 with some kitten tights, huh? 270 00:11:36,062 --> 00:11:38,731 Okay, Brian's got a curfew. Chop-chop, we gotta move. 271 00:11:38,831 --> 00:11:40,800 Brian? Jeff, this is insane. 272 00:11:40,900 --> 00:11:43,569 We're not gonna go out with a bunch of high school kids. 273 00:11:43,669 --> 00:11:45,438 Why are you doing this? 274 00:11:45,538 --> 00:11:46,906 Look, honey... 275 00:11:47,006 --> 00:11:48,140 Honey, look. 276 00:11:48,240 --> 00:11:51,610 I know this may come as a shock to you, 277 00:11:51,711 --> 00:11:54,447 but I was not that popular in high school. 278 00:11:54,547 --> 00:11:57,249 I mean, sure, everyone in the magic club loved me, 279 00:11:57,349 --> 00:12:02,254 but outside of that world it was a very lonely place. 280 00:12:02,354 --> 00:12:04,623 And I don't know how the hell I landed you, but... 281 00:12:04,724 --> 00:12:06,158 You know, when I brought you in the other day, 282 00:12:06,258 --> 00:12:09,095 it was like it gave me this street cred that I've never had before, 283 00:12:09,195 --> 00:12:13,432 and I was able to become everything I never was in high school. 284 00:12:13,532 --> 00:12:17,103 Honey, don't worry so much about being cool. 285 00:12:17,203 --> 00:12:18,804 I've been with cool guys, 286 00:12:18,904 --> 00:12:19,872 a lot of cool guys. 287 00:12:19,972 --> 00:12:21,674 Like, 15 of them. 288 00:12:23,042 --> 00:12:25,411 This one guy, Dave, he was a Navy SEAL. 289 00:12:25,511 --> 00:12:26,679 You could drop him out of a helicopter, 290 00:12:26,779 --> 00:12:30,015 like, anywhere in the world and he could survive. 291 00:12:30,950 --> 00:12:34,320 He was really, really cool. 292 00:12:34,420 --> 00:12:35,821 But I never loved any of them 293 00:12:35,921 --> 00:12:39,091 the way I love a nice nerdy guy like you. 294 00:12:39,191 --> 00:12:41,427 Really? Yeah. 295 00:12:41,527 --> 00:12:44,797 Let's stay home and be all nerdy together. 296 00:12:44,897 --> 00:12:47,333 You want to show me a magic trick? 297 00:12:47,933 --> 00:12:49,034 Okay. 298 00:12:50,603 --> 00:12:53,139 Don't move. I gotta find my false thumb. 299 00:12:53,973 --> 00:12:55,741 I'll be here. 300 00:13:00,279 --> 00:13:02,148 (JAZZ MUSIC PLAYING) 301 00:13:59,371 --> 00:14:00,606 (JINGLE PLAYING) 302 00:14:04,910 --> 00:14:06,345 (LOUDLY) Good afternoon every... 303 00:14:06,445 --> 00:14:08,247 {\an8}(FEEDBACK RINGING) Okay, that isn't gonna... 304 00:14:08,347 --> 00:14:10,416 That isn't... That isn't necessary. 305 00:14:10,516 --> 00:14:13,052 Um, I guess we'll go unplugged, 306 00:14:13,152 --> 00:14:16,288 as the, uh, young people say, uh, 307 00:14:16,388 --> 00:14:17,556 today. 308 00:14:17,656 --> 00:14:18,958 Anyway, it is a, um, 309 00:14:19,058 --> 00:14:20,326 a great honor 310 00:14:20,426 --> 00:14:22,361 to introduce the author 311 00:14:22,461 --> 00:14:26,065 of one of the most influential books of our time. 312 00:14:26,165 --> 00:14:30,469 The incomparable professor Marshall Duffy. 313 00:14:36,675 --> 00:14:38,744 It's great to be here. 314 00:14:38,844 --> 00:14:40,212 Oh, yes, young lady. 315 00:14:40,312 --> 00:14:42,848 I had a question about your chapter on crops. 316 00:14:42,948 --> 00:14:45,417 If indigo had been as stable a commodity 317 00:14:45,517 --> 00:14:47,353 as rice or cotton, 318 00:14:47,453 --> 00:14:49,221 what effect would that have had 319 00:14:49,321 --> 00:14:52,992 on the formation of the South Carolina aristocracy? 320 00:14:53,092 --> 00:14:56,362 Wow. This crowd is throwing some heat. 321 00:14:56,462 --> 00:14:58,530 That is a brilliant question. 322 00:14:58,631 --> 00:15:02,201 Well, I never really considered that hypothetical. 323 00:15:02,301 --> 00:15:03,569 Huh. 324 00:15:03,669 --> 00:15:06,772 You just gave me the idea for my next book. 325 00:15:08,941 --> 00:15:11,143 Next question. 326 00:15:11,243 --> 00:15:13,379 Uh, young lady in the back. 327 00:15:13,479 --> 00:15:14,413 Joy? 328 00:15:14,513 --> 00:15:17,216 Hi, Professor Duffy, 329 00:15:17,316 --> 00:15:18,817 amazing book. 330 00:15:18,918 --> 00:15:20,452 Read all of it. 331 00:15:21,220 --> 00:15:22,454 Anyway, 332 00:15:22,554 --> 00:15:26,325 on, uh, on page one of your book, 333 00:15:26,425 --> 00:15:28,360 you said that, 334 00:15:28,460 --> 00:15:31,463 "American history is always evolving." 335 00:15:31,563 --> 00:15:34,700 And then, um, quite a bit further 336 00:15:35,234 --> 00:15:36,835 on page one, 337 00:15:37,736 --> 00:15:39,638 you said that the Constitution 338 00:15:39,738 --> 00:15:41,941 is a constant. 339 00:15:42,041 --> 00:15:44,576 How do you reconcile those ideas? 340 00:15:44,677 --> 00:15:46,245 Well, 341 00:15:46,345 --> 00:15:48,914 I think on page two 342 00:15:54,887 --> 00:15:57,656 I explain that that was the paradox 343 00:15:57,756 --> 00:15:59,992 of American history. 344 00:16:00,092 --> 00:16:04,897 And then I spent the next 1,000 or so pages exploring it. 345 00:16:07,199 --> 00:16:09,101 And explore it you did. 346 00:16:09,201 --> 00:16:13,839 I, for one, want to thank you for taking me on that journey. 347 00:16:15,607 --> 00:16:19,511 Oh, I... Actually, I have a follow-up question. 348 00:16:19,611 --> 00:16:21,380 Uh, and this one is really, uh, 349 00:16:21,480 --> 00:16:22,848 more about your process. 350 00:16:22,948 --> 00:16:24,683 Um, do you... 351 00:16:24,783 --> 00:16:29,855 Do you write at home, or, like, at Starbucks? 352 00:16:29,955 --> 00:16:32,524 I'll take my answer sitting down. 353 00:16:32,624 --> 00:16:35,127 The university is kind enough 354 00:16:35,227 --> 00:16:37,229 to lend me an office 355 00:16:39,164 --> 00:16:41,967 in a building that's named after me. 356 00:16:50,109 --> 00:16:52,378 Okay, and we are back. 357 00:16:53,679 --> 00:16:56,982 I think, uh, Lucy has another question. 358 00:16:57,082 --> 00:16:59,284 Yes. You claim that Eurasia's 359 00:16:59,385 --> 00:17:03,389 latitudinal geography accounts for their greater population density. 360 00:17:03,489 --> 00:17:06,258 That's really more of a statement than a question. 361 00:17:06,358 --> 00:17:08,260 My question is, 362 00:17:08,360 --> 00:17:12,664 weren't cultural and social differences also a factor? 363 00:17:12,765 --> 00:17:14,767 (STAMMERING) I was gonna ask that question! 364 00:17:14,867 --> 00:17:15,968 I have it right here. 365 00:17:16,068 --> 00:17:17,336 Professor Duffy, look. 366 00:17:19,605 --> 00:17:23,142 Excellent question, but I would contend 367 00:17:23,242 --> 00:17:25,744 that social and cultural differences 368 00:17:25,844 --> 00:17:28,347 are ultimately a product of 369 00:17:28,447 --> 00:17:29,515 geography. 370 00:17:29,615 --> 00:17:30,682 (LAUGHS) 371 00:17:32,584 --> 00:17:35,254 Time to bring out the big guns. 372 00:17:35,354 --> 00:17:37,222 Professor Duffy, 373 00:17:37,322 --> 00:17:39,324 I have another question. 374 00:17:39,425 --> 00:17:42,461 Oh, dear God. 375 00:17:42,561 --> 00:17:44,329 I noticed that your book 376 00:17:44,430 --> 00:17:47,299 was copyrighted in 2002, 377 00:17:47,399 --> 00:17:51,003 2003, and 2005. 378 00:17:51,103 --> 00:17:52,871 What went wrong in '04? 379 00:17:55,074 --> 00:17:57,409 Ok, I think that's enough of the questions. 380 00:17:57,509 --> 00:17:59,378 Uh, this might be a great time... 381 00:17:59,478 --> 00:18:01,146 Who would like to hear Professor Duffy read 382 00:18:01,246 --> 00:18:03,816 from the chapter on the Homestead Act? 383 00:18:03,916 --> 00:18:05,050 Huh? 384 00:18:05,818 --> 00:18:07,219 Okay, excuse me. 385 00:18:07,319 --> 00:18:10,489 May I see you in Music, Art, and Dance, please? 386 00:18:10,589 --> 00:18:12,024 (DUFFY READING) 387 00:18:12,124 --> 00:18:13,125 What? 388 00:18:13,225 --> 00:18:14,827 Are you out of your mind? What are you doing? 389 00:18:14,927 --> 00:18:18,664 I came here to hear Marshall Duffy speak 390 00:18:18,764 --> 00:18:20,799 about my new favorite book. 391 00:18:20,899 --> 00:18:21,900 Oh, really? 392 00:18:22,000 --> 00:18:23,035 What's it called? 393 00:18:23,135 --> 00:18:24,236 (SIGHS) 394 00:18:24,336 --> 00:18:27,139 Big Boring Book. 395 00:18:27,239 --> 00:18:28,440 Uh-huh. 396 00:18:28,540 --> 00:18:30,075 And maybe you can tell me why you're showing your melons 397 00:18:30,175 --> 00:18:32,878 like we're at a farmer's market. 398 00:18:33,879 --> 00:18:35,948 Oh. So you noticed. 399 00:18:36,048 --> 00:18:38,317 I'm surprised you could take your eyes off your new girlfriend. 400 00:18:38,417 --> 00:18:40,819 {\an5}What? "Oh, do you like that book? I love that book." 401 00:18:40,919 --> 00:18:41,854 (IN HIGH-PITCHED VOICE) "Oh, I love that book." 402 00:18:41,954 --> 00:18:43,155 (IMITATING KISSING) 403 00:18:43,255 --> 00:18:45,924 "Yes! Yes!" 404 00:18:46,024 --> 00:18:47,392 (STAMMERING) Oh, now, wait a minute. 405 00:18:47,493 --> 00:18:48,660 You're mad at me? 406 00:18:48,760 --> 00:18:50,295 Yes, I'm mad at you. 407 00:18:50,395 --> 00:18:51,530 About Lucy? 408 00:18:51,630 --> 00:18:52,698 You're the one who made me call her. 409 00:18:52,798 --> 00:18:54,032 You're the one who gave her the pen. 410 00:18:54,133 --> 00:18:55,801 You're the one who said it wouldn't bite me in the ass, 411 00:18:55,901 --> 00:18:58,837 and now I'm missing a big old hairy chunk! 412 00:19:00,305 --> 00:19:02,307 I'm sorry. 413 00:19:02,407 --> 00:19:03,542 I'm jealous, okay? 414 00:19:03,642 --> 00:19:05,210 There, I said it. I'm jealous. 415 00:19:05,310 --> 00:19:06,812 Well, jealous of what? 416 00:19:06,912 --> 00:19:09,648 What? Joy, we're not even doing anything here? 417 00:19:09,748 --> 00:19:12,217 It's not about that stuff, Eddie. 418 00:19:12,317 --> 00:19:14,653 It's about the way that your eyes light up 419 00:19:14,753 --> 00:19:17,422 when you talk about history with her. 420 00:19:17,523 --> 00:19:19,725 We never connected over 421 00:19:19,825 --> 00:19:22,094 intellectual stuff. 422 00:19:22,194 --> 00:19:25,264 We mostly just bonded over these. 423 00:19:25,364 --> 00:19:27,466 Well, what's wrong about bonding over those? 424 00:19:27,566 --> 00:19:29,468 I love bonding over those. 425 00:19:29,568 --> 00:19:31,403 As a matter of fact, when you were asleep last night, 426 00:19:31,503 --> 00:19:33,305 I bonded over those. 427 00:19:34,540 --> 00:19:36,108 But are these enough? 428 00:19:36,208 --> 00:19:37,342 I mean, what about these? 429 00:19:37,442 --> 00:19:39,077 Well, look. 430 00:19:39,178 --> 00:19:40,979 Joy, I love what's in your sweater, 431 00:19:41,079 --> 00:19:42,548 and I love what's up here, 432 00:19:42,648 --> 00:19:45,684 and I love when we do this. 433 00:19:45,784 --> 00:19:47,085 I didn't know you were interested. 434 00:19:47,186 --> 00:19:48,420 You want to bond over the book, 435 00:19:48,520 --> 00:19:49,955 we can bond over the book. 436 00:19:50,055 --> 00:19:51,590 No, I don't want to bond over the book. 437 00:19:51,690 --> 00:19:53,725 I hate the stupid book. 438 00:19:58,397 --> 00:20:00,566 (STAMMERING) Not your book. No, it's... 439 00:20:00,666 --> 00:20:01,900 This book right here. 440 00:20:02,000 --> 00:20:03,702 Charles... 441 00:20:03,802 --> 00:20:05,337 Charles Dickens sucks. 442 00:20:09,074 --> 00:20:12,010 Where does this leave us, huh? 443 00:20:12,110 --> 00:20:13,478 Well, I guess we're not dead inside. 444 00:20:13,579 --> 00:20:15,881 Well, I guess we're not. 445 00:20:15,981 --> 00:20:17,683 That's a good thing, right? 446 00:20:17,783 --> 00:20:19,751 Yeah, that's a good thing. 447 00:20:19,851 --> 00:20:22,187 So what do you want me to do? 448 00:20:22,287 --> 00:20:25,457 I say you toss that history hussy's phone number away, 449 00:20:25,557 --> 00:20:27,926 and let's go home and bond over these 450 00:20:28,026 --> 00:20:30,028 while I'm still awake. 451 00:20:30,896 --> 00:20:32,297 All right. 452 00:20:34,433 --> 00:20:36,268 Hey, hey, hey, wait. Could we just 453 00:20:36,368 --> 00:20:38,370 wait until he's done with the Homestead Act chapter? 454 00:20:38,470 --> 00:20:41,340 This part kind of gets me a little fired up. 455 00:20:51,216 --> 00:20:52,651 (PHONE RINGING) 456 00:20:58,190 --> 00:20:59,658 Hello. 457 00:20:59,758 --> 00:21:03,395 {\an8}Okay. Honey, slow down. Just tell me what happened. 458 00:21:03,495 --> 00:21:07,232 {\an8}You're glued into your office again? 459 00:21:07,332 --> 00:21:10,535 {\an8}Oh, my God. Did you do magic for the guys? 460 00:21:10,636 --> 00:21:12,904 {\an8}I begged you not to do that. 461 00:21:13,005 --> 00:21:15,374 {\an8}Tell me you didn't wear your cape. 462 00:21:15,474 --> 00:21:17,142 {\an8}I'm sorry, cloak. 463 00:21:18,310 --> 00:21:20,679 {\an8}You wore it to the cafeteria? 464 00:21:20,779 --> 00:21:22,581 {\an8}Okay, Babe, okay. Don't freak out. 465 00:21:22,681 --> 00:21:25,117 {\an8}If you freak out, the rabbit will freak out. 466 00:21:25,217 --> 00:21:26,485 {\an8}I'll be right there.